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Are you tired of people looking at your barren apartment and wondering if you even know how to take care of houseplants? Fear not, lazy gardener. This is all the inspiration you need to make it look like you’re a skilled plant parent.
Related: Un-Welcome Mats That Will Make Guests Think Twice Before Ringing Your Doorbell
Your Guide to Impersonating a Plant Expert
Buy a bunch of new plants right before you have guests over.
There’s nothing like a fresh batch of greenery to make it seem like you’re a pro at plant parenting. Remove the little card with the plant’s care instructions, so your guests won’t catch on to your secret.
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It also helps to purchase a variety of pots to arrange around your home. Consider getting some with a worn aesthetic so they don’t all look too new.
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Hire a plant-sitter.
If you’re going out of town and don’t want your plants to suffer, hire a plant-sitter to come over and take care of them. Not only will your plants be well taken care of, but your guests will also be impressed by your commitment to plant health.
If you’re wealthy, hire someone to come to your home early every morning to do all the work for you.
Invest in some fake plants and place them strategically.
If all else fails, fake it ’til you make it. Buy some high-quality fake plants and scatter them throughout your apartment.
Just put them on a shelf or somewhere high up where you can ensure nobody touches them. Otherwise, they might realize they’re not real.
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Refer to your plants by name.
Your guests will be entertained, and your plants will love the attention. Who will question your parenting skills when you’ve named your snake plant?
Take it to the next level and place name tags in the plants. That way, you won’t need to remember the names when introducing them to your friends and family.
Display a “Plant Expert” certificate of achievement.
Sometimes, all it takes is a little confidence to fool people. Frame a copy of this printable Plant Expert certificate in your living room or home office. You can even post it on your LinkedIn profile.
Who needs a master’s degree when you’ve got a fraudulent green thumb? Watch as your guests marvel at your apparent expertise!
Post your “success” on Instagram to prove you can rescue any plant.
Use Google Images to find “before” photos similar to the new plants you just bought, and post a side-by-side on Facebook and Instagram with an app like Layout. All your followers will like those posts with a green thumbs up.
Pro tip: don’t choose the first search results in case someone questions you.
Here’s an example:
Conspicuously display empty bottles of advanced plant products.
Buy some fertilizer and Neem oil, and pour half of it out. Scuff up the labels, rub some dirt on them, and place them somewhere easy for guests to casually encounter.
Don’t actually throw it away, though. You’re a fraud, not a demon.
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Use a lot of technical jargon.
If someone asks you how you care for your plants, use plenty of technical-sounding words to make it seem like you know what you’re talking about.
For example, say things like, “I always make sure to monitor the pH balance of my soil” or “I’ve been experimenting with different levels of photosynthesis.”
They’ll be too impressed to question you. It’s the kind of thing that sounds like words they’ve heard before, but they’re only totally sure about the details if they’re, like, a nerd or something.
Then, buy a few plant beginner books but make them look old and dusty.
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Casually drape a pair of gardening gloves somewhere noticeable.
Make sure it’s a surface that you want people to think is where you repot plants or prune branches. Get the gloves dirty (of course). Roll one about a third of the way inside-out. Now place them over the neck of a watering can so that it looks like they belong there but were thrown there carelessly after a busy afternoon of plant care.
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Learn to actually care for your plants.
At this point, you have everything you need to actually learn to care for plants! This wasn’t a trick; it just happened that way, you know?
There you have it, folks! With these tips, you’ll have everyone fooled into thinking you’re a plant whisperer in no time. Just remember to water your plants, fake or real.
Start by following these plant-obsessed Pinterest creators.
Cover photo: cottonbro studio
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Last update on 2023-11-30 / Affiliate links / Images from Amazon Product Advertising API
